SOMETHIN’ SMELLS

September 03, 2025

by Rusty Mitchum

I have a pretty good memory. In fact, my wife Janet says that I can even remember stuff that never happened. But it amazes me what some of y’all remember. I had a lady the other day ask me if I could rerun this story. I really don’t mind rerunnin’ stories, but some, like this one was written 32 years ago and it took me a while to find it. Anywho, here it is.

A while back, Janet dragged me to a big mall in Dallas. My job, while she shopped, was to sit on a bench and watch people. I’m a good people watcher.

Well, I’d been sittin’ there a while when I noticed that I was gettin’ hungry. One of the stores that I could see from where I was sittin’ was called Saks Fifth Avenue. I figured with a name like that, they must sell candy bars, so off I went.

I walked up to a pretty young lady holdin’ a bottle and I spoke to her.

“Pardon me, Ma’am. Could you tell me where the Fifth Avenues are?” She looked puzzled.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand,” she said.

“You know, the candy bars.” She looked confused. “That’s okay,” I said. “I’ll find ‘em.”

“Sir,” she said. “While you’re here would you like to try our new cologne for men?” Then she told me some funny soundin’ name for the stuff.

“Sure,” I said. She then squirted me on the neck with some stuff. My head was engulfed in an odor that was a cross between dog dip and WD-40.

“Whoa,” I said. The woman stuck her nose up to my neck and sniffed.

“Ahhh,” she said and looked at me dreamy eyed. “That will drive your wife mad.”

“Lady,” I said, “believe me, I don’t need any help in that department.” I thanked her and left.

It wasn’t long before I got used to the smell and forgot all about it. I was walkin’ back to my bench when I was stopped by a pretty lady in a black miniskirt and leotards.

“Pardon me,” she said. “What is that you have on?”

“Who me? Oh, just some old Wranglers and a tee shirt. I got this here Stetson at a garage sale and only paid fifty cents for it. Purdy good deal, huh?” She had the same puzzled look on her face as the perfume lady.

“Huh? Uh no, I mean your cologne.”

“Oh, that. Do you like it?”

“It smells simply delicious,” she said as she smiled seductively. I swallowed hard.

“I don’t know what it’s called, Lady, but you can bet your leotards there that I’m goin’ back there and buy me some.” I tipped my hat and headed back.

I made my way back to the store and located the same saleslady that had helped me. “Ma’am” I said. “I think I would like to buy some of that smell’um stuff that you squirted on me a while ago.”

“Yes, sir,” she smiled. “Just let me unlock the cabinet and get you one.”

“Unlock?” I said. “Why do you keep it locked up?”

“Because it is so expensive.”

“Whoa! Hold on there. Just how expensive, is so expensive?”

She told me. Suddenly, I was quite aware of how much coffee I had drank that mornin’.

“You know,” I said. “I think you better just keep that stuff locked up. I’ve got a Jeep note due and that will just about make two payments.”

“Sorry,” she said.

“That’s okay,” I replied. “Hey, do you mind squirtin’ me just one more time?”

“My pleasure,” she smiled. She squirted, winked at me, and off I went.

I saw Janet out by my bench lookin’ for me and I snuck up behind her and jabbed her in the ribs and then ducked. When you’ve lived with the same woman as long as I have, you learn their reactions. After her fist flew, where my head should have been, she realized it was me and said, “Oh, it’s you. Where have you been?”

“Drivin’ women mad,” I answered.

“Well, that goes without saying,” she said sarcastically.

“Smell me,” I said.

“I don’t think so,” she growled.

“Come on. Sniff my neck and prepare yourself.”

She sniffed, wrinkled her nose, and said dryly, “That reminds me. I need to pick up a new bottle of Janitor in a Drum.”

Leave it to a wife to bust a man’s bubble.

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