I was standin’ in the checkout line at the grocery store behind some young hippy lookin’ lady with a basket full of produce; I mean full. She was lookin’ around and her eyes fell on the meat stacked in my basket. She got this disgusted look on her face and then looked up at me. 

“Got some bargains on the markdown meats,” I said. “You ought to check ‘em out.”

“I’m a vegan,” she pompously said. 

“Really?” I said. “Well, your English is excellent.” She gave me an incredulous look.

“What? No,” she growled. “I don’t eat meat or anything made or produced from animals.” 

“Really?” I said. “You know we’d probably get along great together.” Her head moved back and her eyes widened. 

“What? How do you figure?”

“Well, if I have a calculator, I’ll use that. If not I’ll use a pencil and paper. I tried figurin’ in my head, but all the voices in there keep distactin’ me.”

“What? No! Why is it you figure we would get along great together?”

“Oh! Well, you don’t eat meat and such, and I don’t eat much of anything else, so you can eat what I don’t and vice versa. Like, take for example, Pork and Beans. You could eat the beans and I can eat the pork, although there’s not much pork in there, but you get my gist. You know, keep the world in balance.”

She just looked at me. “Are you for real?”

“I was last time I checked,” I said. Then I added, “Oooo! Just thought of somethin’! You’d get the grits and I get the gravy! Cool, huh?” She just stared at me; I mean for a long time. By the way, I was grinnin’ at her.  

Finally, it was her turn to check out. When she finished, she started to leave, but then stopped, turned around, and smiled. 

“You were just messing with me, weren’t you?” she said.

I smiled back. “Sorry,” I replied. “The voices made me do it.” She looked at me, chuckled, and shook her head.

“You know,” she said, “if you were about a hundred years younger……,” and she let that statement hang, smiled really big, turned and left. 

I have to give her credit; that was a great comeback.  

 

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